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i really don’t know where to start. today i spend the whole day at my sisters house…with my nephew. On the way home just now…i kept thinking over and over…about the one person i really did trust. i always asked me…you won’t leave me right? you won’t go anywhere….he told me im not trust me im not going anywhere. yet he. I just kept looking at the street lights…at the lamps…at the endless rows of trees….and tears began to pour down  my eyes. I didn’t cry. i didn’t breakdown. Just tears….quite pain. I felt like everything was moving so slowly….these lights…these trees..everything is so meaningless. i cant find the meaning to anything. i was being totally mind fucked. like why do i exist? why am i here? why these lights? why these trees? why everything? i can’t find the meaning to anything. it totally freaked me out…i just don’t understand anything anymore. everyday i try to find the meaning to my life. you have no idea how long i felt like this. last memory i have was when i was 16. i came home from a party and i couldn’t stop crying…i didn’t get my life..i didn’t get anything..i felt so lost. and i still do.  I feel like i have no meaning to life. i don’t know what to do. i feel so ashamed for feeling like this when people have it worse that have a strong will to live and are much worse situations. I would give up my life to them if i could i feel like i don’t deserve to live for being this self fish….but i can’t help what i feel….this emptiness…this loneliness…i feel hollowed inside…like im missing my soul (haha bleach referance…wow making jokes and im sitting here crying my eyes out to gackts love letter album) i really do feel like im empty…like im here but not existing….i don’t know what to do. i tell myself everyday i don’t need anyone i don’t need anyone. be strong. carry on alone. but i do. everyone needs someone. it doesn’t have to be a guy…times like this i really wish i had a friend. i really don’t have any friends. yeah laugh at me i don’t care….i could pick up my cell right now…and wouldn’t have anyone to call…or anyone i can really call a friend.my cell is just filled with meaningless assholes….pathetic isn’t it i went all threw high school without making any friends….i went threw my 1.5 year of college without making any friends. i remember cali guy told me once he went to a wedding to his cousions wedding he was getting married his wife had no friends…like literally no one their her brides maides were girls her husband knows…and cali guy told me you want to be like that…you want to be like her with no friends. i remember when he told me that i wanted to cry so bad. Thats one reason why im not getting married. I wouldn’t have anyone to call to be there for me at a wedding. im 22 most girls my age have alot of friends…i remember how jealous i was when i saw girls at school surrounded by a bunch of friends and i would just sit there and eat by myself…since everyone hated me. I never understood why. i always heard the same thing shes so quite so conceited. i never even said one word or acted anyway. fuck that…..i just feel so lonely. i feel like everything in my life has lost meaning. everything….it’s like it doesn’t matter…..its freaking me out….i feel so lost. i feel like im in a nightmare that i just want to wake up from so bad. sometimes i wake up in the morning and have aazing dreams…that im so happy and when i wake up….i realize im back in my room,….back in maryland and i just lay there at 3am. tears pouring down….trying to go back to sleep…trying to go back to that dream….but i haven’t had that dream in a long time…fuck i cant type anymore.

i failed.

what do you do when your mom comes crying to you? i dont know i have no idea.

Today has been a stressful day. i lock myself in my room alot..i don’t want to hear the fighting and the insults my dad throws at my mom. its just too hard. I don’t know what to do.

my mom a few minutes ago came to me crying in my room. that she can’t take it…she can’t take my dad insulting her everyday.

she was crying.

yet i didn’t say anything. i just sat there…without saying a word. nothing. empty. i didn’t know what to say or do. i feel like i failed my mom. i failed at being a daughter. We have a strange relationship that we can’t hug each other or talk. I feel like such a terrible daughter. Im sorry mom…im sorry for failing you im sorry for being a bad daughter for hurting you sometimes. im sorry.

i really am sorry.

NO INTERNET NO LIFE

i haven’t had my net for two days now. OMG im suffering. I cant get on tumblr…i can’t listen to my kpop and jrock…can’t watch anime…can’t watch movies. Internet is my fuckin life. sad isn’t it? i just realized how much of a life i really have NONE. I use the internet to escape my reality and my reality is begining to finally hit me..after all this time. I just realized how much of a huge problem im in…how much i hate my situation…how im going no where in life….i just spend my time listening to the radio…playing the same stupid songs over n over again. mothafuck you.

This rain isn’t helping at all. Day two rain. Hopefully tomorrow it won’t rain…the rain gets me really depressed…eats me up inside.

this guy im talking for awhile now lives in california…hes coming to visit me in december hehe i’ll take it as christmast presentO heehee. He’s really there for me alot….hes very different from the other guys ive talked to. Finally im not shy on the phone and he loves that…i stay making him laugh n he cracks me up…its nice to be able to talk to someone about anything. oh hes korean…and hes 29. FFUU im 22 and i don’t care about age…well my oldest id go is 31 lulz. glad hes in my life…and i’ve tried so hard to keep him out..i remeber when we first chatted he was all into me n i just ignored him..but i fell in the cracks >.> hope i don’t get hurt. i can’t deal with another heartbreak.