hollow.

i keep having this empty feeling when i go out. last thursday i went to the club…with my sis…three other girls…and two other guys. im really socially awkward. so i was very quiet on the way there..my older sis is good at talking to people she was very popular back in high school and still is…she actually has “girl friends” that actually hang out with her sometimes to go to the club etc. or just to text or call. i don’t have that and im secretly jealous of her because of that. i remember back in high school i was known as ____ sister. i hated it. at first i was like cool people notice me but than i just wanted to be unnoticed why do i want to be noticed behind someone elses shadow. fuck that.

but anyways. i can rant and talk about my older sis and our relationship for awhile. but thursday…i thought that all this time i spend at home i would feel happy to go out and have some fun. but…i didn’t really feel happy. i hated being out. crazy and weird as it sounds i hated it. i hated seeing everyone smiling. i hated how everyone had this fake smile…with their friends…with their girl friends and boyfriends holding hands…smiling….smiling... i hated it alot. i just wanted to go home….put my head phones on….blog…play my music…escape reality. escape everyone and their happiness. yes im jealous of them..im jealous how happy they look and i can’t be like that. i can’t fake being happy like them.  i did have fun though….

it just hurts you know. That all you think about is that one person. That one person for years i’ve been trying to bury..for years i’ve been trying to forget but i can’t. i just stood in the club watching the lights…watching people dance. i got lost in my thoughts. i thought about you…i thought how nice it would be to see your smile..i imagined your eyes looking at me. i just drove myself into a deeper sadness.  i keep thinking…are you thinking about me? have you forgotten about me…most likely you have. I just don’t understand how someone could be so cold hearted. Couldn’t even face me…and tell me….couldn’t even tell me i don’t want you…i don’t want to be with you…but just disappeared. no text replys…ignored phone calls. why? i  keep asking myself why? what did i do? we were so happy. i was happy.

so i sit here…looking at the night sky. wishing wondering…where you are…do i ever cross your mind? (lfo-girl on tv) i wish i knew..if you ever think about me..

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