age?

well im 23. i prefer to date guys that are older than me. It’s either 23+ highest id is 33. lol. Everyone always tell me isn’t that a little too old for you?

hmm when i think about it i’m like NOPE. (as long as they look young i don’t mind hehe) What is age? What does it mean? its just a number like everyone says. it is just a number…a number that signifies how long you have been living on this damn planet…(that i love sometimes :’D) really doesn’t mean how mature you are….trust me I’ve dated/talked to Korean guys 27-30 and they are so immature. I’m 23 and they act like 13 yr olds. sad actually. (not saying all Korean guys in this age range are like that before someone gets all mad and offended)

i just have a preference in older guys ^-~

hollow.

i keep having this empty feeling when i go out. last thursday i went to the club…with my sis…three other girls…and two other guys. im really socially awkward. so i was very quiet on the way there..my older sis is good at talking to people she was very popular back in high school and still is…she actually has “girl friends” that actually hang out with her sometimes to go to the club etc. or just to text or call. i don’t have that and im secretly jealous of her because of that. i remember back in high school i was known as ____ sister. i hated it. at first i was like cool people notice me but than i just wanted to be unnoticed why do i want to be noticed behind someone elses shadow. fuck that.

but anyways. i can rant and talk about my older sis and our relationship for awhile. but thursday…i thought that all this time i spend at home i would feel happy to go out and have some fun. but…i didn’t really feel happy. i hated being out. crazy and weird as it sounds i hated it. i hated seeing everyone smiling. i hated how everyone had this fake smile…with their friends…with their girl friends and boyfriends holding hands…smiling….smiling... i hated it alot. i just wanted to go home….put my head phones on….blog…play my music…escape reality. escape everyone and their happiness. yes im jealous of them..im jealous how happy they look and i can’t be like that. i can’t fake being happy like them.  i did have fun though….

it just hurts you know. That all you think about is that one person. That one person for years i’ve been trying to bury..for years i’ve been trying to forget but i can’t. i just stood in the club watching the lights…watching people dance. i got lost in my thoughts. i thought about you…i thought how nice it would be to see your smile..i imagined your eyes looking at me. i just drove myself into a deeper sadness.  i keep thinking…are you thinking about me? have you forgotten about me…most likely you have. I just don’t understand how someone could be so cold hearted. Couldn’t even face me…and tell me….couldn’t even tell me i don’t want you…i don’t want to be with you…but just disappeared. no text replys…ignored phone calls. why? i  keep asking myself why? what did i do? we were so happy. i was happy.

so i sit here…looking at the night sky. wishing wondering…where you are…do i ever cross your mind? (lfo-girl on tv) i wish i knew..if you ever think about me..

lesson.

i think i have learned alot in the past two weeks…about heart break and pain. One second its a hig a high so amazing feeling loved feeling like somewhere cares about you but once its gone it hurts.  it hurts so much you feel so empty inside. this cycle keeps repeating over and over again. with a different person or again with the same person. its tiring. its painful. but what i’ve learned from all of this is after the heart break you become stronger. you gain this wall inside of your heart. you protect yourself. you refuse to let yourself fall victim to that moment again. to where you’re crying your eyes  out screaming in pain. you refuse to fall back there.

lesson learned.

im most likely going to keep repeating this lesson over and over again. until i become a rock until i become so strong not even metal can melt through. im scared when that day comes. im scared that i might be so cold so emotionless that i will end up hurting other people. i don’t want to hurt anyone i know how it feels. i just don’t want to end up like that. but i need to protect to myself. i don’t want to hurt inside anymore.

friday.

i went to the mall today after i got out of work. my brother came to pick me up. i didn’t even call or text him because idk i just don’t like asking anyone for rides and i like getting around my own way i can. so he texted me can i borrow some money…i was like um okay. than he offered to pick me up. thats the only reason i guess he came to get me ;___; im such a pushover. i can’t say no to my family. no matter what even though if i were to ask them for $ they would give me crap so i don’t ask them only if im really desperate.  i just like to take care of myself. i’ve been doing it since i was 15. yeah yeah i still live with my parents but i’ve been working since 10th grade my parents weren’t going to buy me things like clothes…shoes…etc.

so yea had to fend for myself kinda.

got to the mall i saw the food court i was so hungry i didn’t eat no breakfast so i went straight to mcdonalds bought myself a bacon egg cheese biscuit thingy. ugh so much grease but it tasted so damn good gawd. i offered my brother if he wanted one but hes on a “diet” -_- he beat me. he lost alot of weight. and everyone is complimenting him (even me) im just a lil jealous. whatever. i still look good.

after finish eating went to forever 21 my fave store didn’t find anything. i was looking for a dress because i want to be more girly. i want to make my grandma proud.

found this dress…

i really love how it looks on me. looks really sexy hehe. don’t know when i will use it but when i go to the club sometime…i’ll have an outfit ^_^

came home washed my hair. felt so nice. ordered chinese food. ate watched some anime…took a nap…woke up now i feel like i might get a cold damn ac was so cold. my throat kinda hurts =___=;; catched up to bleach ugh i love that anime ichigo is so damn badass but my fave will always be ulquiorra. than i watched some high school of the dead so much boobs zombies and badass action love it.

now im here just sitting thinking listening to music. so many thoughts racing through my head. i can’t seem to sort them out.

crying.

sometimes i just want to cry. im so embarassed to admit it. but i like crying. it helps me feel better. it helps me let go of this heart break.

today i took another nap and  i had another dream with you.  i can’t seem to remember my dream. all i remember was waking up and thought you were still in my life. laid in my bed looked at my phone again realized…you are gone. i need to accept this and move on hes gone.

im trying to supress it. im trying not to cry. im trying to be strong.

im not strong.

im very weak…very emotional. crying…makes me feel better. when i don’t cry and hold it back i have break downs. maybe not tomorrow or next week…but maybe next month….it will hit me. when it hits me it hits hard.

how do you deal?

with getting your heartbroken.

all week all i have been doing is listening to sad songs..most of the time im okay but once i just sit there…not doing anything my thoughts begin to race…so many thoughts…everything you told me. im still upset i deleted your texts off my phone by accident. i didn’t wanna do that i wanted to look back at them….because they made me smile.

i remember how you told me i love how you are you’re body everything. no one has really ever told me that…i’ve always had issues with my body and when you finally told me you loved it i was really happy. i felt so good…that finally someone likes me for me…doesn’t tell me to work out do exercise or any of that crap. i was so happy.

now how do i get over it. how do i get over of three years of wanting you wanting to be with you. now i know it won’t ever happen now…me and you wont happen and it hurts. all i do is think about you with someone else…you being happy with someone else…getting married..having kids. i hope we lose contact with each other. but i really doubt thats going to happen im gonna wanna know how you are im gonna im you…text…or email. i don’t know if i can ever let go.

but i know i can supress it. i can cry my eyes out and eventually get tired of it. eventually my wound will patch up but it will still be there.

how can i deal with this pain.

dreams.

i love sleeping. i love dreaming of far away places people etc. but lately all i’ve been having is nightmares. but ever since you stopped talking to me i keep having nice dreams. i don’t remember my dream last night but i woke up happy. happy that i was with you that i had seen you. happy because again i thought you were still in my life.

but no. its all an illusion. i don’t want to dream about you anymore. i don’t want to have sweet dreams where i wake up smiling but yet you aren’t next to me…and i won’t see you ever. id rather go back to my nightmares. i prefer waking up with tears from a morbid horror movie than waking up with the pain of not having you.

each day is getting harder and harder.  I’m loosing my mind at thoughts of you being with someone else…of you hugging kissing holding hands with someone else. its getting really hard. i just want to forget..forget you ever existed that i ever met you. its been three years i’ve tried this before but i can’t. no matter how much time passes…or how much pain you me through i can’t forget about you. i always have a special place for you. i’d chose you over anyone else…. any day.

why?

i realized i have been neglecting my wordpress way too much.  im back. it feels good to be back actually. who knows who reads these words and judges me. not like i care. but ne ways.

today was a weird day for me. I got up determined to forget about you…i smiled and smiled it was working for awhile. but once i got home. everything felt so empty. my phone doesn’t vibrate anymore *new text* i just sat there and stared at it. i kept touching the button you know the one that makes your phone light up…full service. i was tempted to text you again. i was like just try one last time…so i made a new text..to: s…. message: i just want a honest answer…i just want to know what i did thats all. i just sat there stared at it reread it over n over again. thats all i want a clear answer so many thoughts raced through my mind.. why are you disappearing again? what did i do? everything was going so good…our talks our messages chatting everything was going so good. but you just stopped replying to my texts. im not sure what i did. i keep analyzing it over n over again i hit a brick wall. i can’t find a answer.

i hit send. maybe he replys this time.

never got a reply back.

i just brushed it off for a second. than started playing with my nephew sat down on the couch i was feeling cold got a blanket laid on the couch watched tom and jerry with him. my mom came so i went to my room and laid on my bed. i started listening to gackt (my idol) one of my fave fave songs Dears LLV. i just laid there staring at my phone as it played each word. i began to sing it softly…i memorized each word…each word a painful knife. once it was finished i just rolled on my side. i cried a lil gasped…and fell asleep. i had a nice dream…you were in it…i saw you in my dream we were so happy…than i woke up. i thought it never happened that we were still talking i looked at my phone and realized you’re gone.

i got up went to the kitchen made some pasta and i just stood there watching the water boil watching it than all these thoughts hit me one by one i thought about you…i fell on my ass i just sat on the kitchen floor crying screaming…in so much pain..sat in front of the oven watching my reflection i pulled my hair back wiped my tears i kept screaming and crying for you. i kept repeating the same thing over n over i don’t know…i don’t know what i did…what did i do? i don’t know. i saw there crying in pain and realized my pasta was about to over flow so i turned down the heat. sat back down cried some more…got up looked out the window the sun hit my face i let out a yelp and kept crying…so much pain i thought its so unbearable. i want it to stop. finally i got the courage to force my self to stop crying.

now its 8:43 pm. im just sitting here listening to john hoon.